I hate all girls vehemently.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
