Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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