Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
