I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I love you. Go after that dick
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
