I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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