Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
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