I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
