We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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