A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
