Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
