I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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