The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
