Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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