I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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