he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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