we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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