I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
