hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
