i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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