i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
