This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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