she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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