im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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