I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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