You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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