party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
