someone threw a dead crab at me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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