I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
