sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
