we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think my vagina is haunted
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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