At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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