you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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