I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
