I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
