i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
