Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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