she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
