I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
