Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
