please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This baby is an asshole
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
