I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
