I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
