i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
