so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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