my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
