I met the friendliest cop last night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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