Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
