I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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