my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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