I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
