I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
