What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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