Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
