Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
