My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
