he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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