I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Floor bacon is actually really good
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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