If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
