Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
