i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
