I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
