dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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