made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize