I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
