You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
