ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  I want leopard sheets

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  haha sexcapades

  (248): View more from Michigan

  thats the plan

  Fav 2 1574 722

  share tweet
  

• (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

  Fav 47 5481 1344

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt

  Fav 21 3762 1136

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

  Fav 6 5657 1569

  share tweet
  

• (443): View more from Maryland

  He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.

  (315): View more from New York

  You would pick up a guy in AA.

  Fav 12 4077 1278

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

  Fav 4 3324 1153

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (604): View more from British Columbia

  We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

  Fav 13 3449 1102

  share tweet
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

  Fav 11 3815 938

  share tweet
  

• (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

  Fav 13 2035 1017

  share tweet
  

• (804): View more from Virginia

  i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle

  Fav 3 747 553

  share tweet
  

• (802): View more from Vermont

  I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.

  Fav 1 534 582

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (716): View more from New York

  My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.

  Fav 6 174 358

  share tweet
  

• (318): View more from Louisiana

  How did you tell her we met?

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.

  Fav 1 363 196

  share tweet
  

• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Congratulations! We have a period

  Fav 0 54 5

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (813): View more from Florida

  It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.

  (407): View more from Florida

  That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!

  Fav 0 21 33

  share tweet
  

Randomize